Spilling My Guts On The Internet

Wed, 24 May 2006 02:23:15 GMT

I can see right through you.

windy roads, slush and fog ahead.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 07:20:17 GMT

So last night on my crazy journey home with Becca, while talking about wanting to watch disney movies so badly, heh... I decided, in my little brain, that I am going to go to France. or somewhere overseas, and for some reason in my state of mind I really wanted to go to France... so, there I shall go... unless this Jamaica trip is for real. then I'll do that first... And now there's even an opportunity for a trip to Vegas... fuck yeahhh... and so many road trips... maybe I will just sell my car and travel by bus and plane and train... that would be pretty sweet, I could get enough money out of my car for one sweet summer long trip, how amazing? I am in need of more music, good music, the feeeeel good music, someone give me some names of some bands you think I might not know and would like to check out... and books... I want more books... right now... These are a few of the things that help out this lil bit o' imagination i have... or something like that, heh i dont know... my birthday is this weekend, i have the whole time off which is pretty sweet... really dont know what im going to do, maybe canada if the mood strikes. if not, it will still be nice to have an entire three days off just to be a bum... but its 3:20 am and im either gonna go watch disney or go to sleep... nighty night.

I'd like to know the identity...

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 16:12:04 GMT

of the ass that is on my camera.... It's repulsive... but it is pretty damn funny......... That's what I get for leaving my camera laying out at a party I guess.. whoaa.. one harry ass... sick.

ronery. i am so ronery.

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 02:07:16 GMT

Right now, at this moment, there is absolutely nothing I want more than to just be held by someone. Prefferably the male species. It's the last thing I want, yet the only thing I want. I wish I could just have a guy, the same guy ( I ain't no tramp, you hoe), only... not be a couple, not have a label, and not have to care about what they are doing when they are gone and know they don't mind whatever it is you're doing. A relationship (sort of) but with freedom. I think that's an oxy-moron. But that's kinda what I would like, if I had anyone at all at the time being. Because, I really don't want to be in a relationship, I have to many things I need to focus on, a boyfriend would be far to distracting to me. But it would be nice, to every once in a while... just to have someone to hold. Do I sound like an idiot? I probably do. buut whatever. I'm just so tired, and that's all I want right now. GAH! I wish there were guys around here that I was even halfway interested in.... Maybe it really is time to move.

Melancholy and the infinite sadness

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 04:04:39 GMT

The title sums up how I feel. At the moment anyway. It seems like everything in my life is going absolutely wonderful. Friends and family could not get any better than they are right now. Work is good. Life is good. And I honestly think it could be the happiest I have been in a long time. Then there's my mind that likes to slip into the past once in a while... Like it did just moments ago. Bah, can't say I'll ever get over some things, I'll just be happy it happened, and go on like I have been. I'm thinking about asking to work just part time for a little while. I do need the money, I do need full time... But some things are more important than work and money. There's so many other things I need to do, that I feel like I just don't have time for... Sooo, if I get more time, then I'll be out of excuses and I'll just have to start doing instead of talking about doing. For once in my life I am getting serious about doing something good for myself... Let's see how far I get with this, heh.. Wish me luck, I'll need all I can get.....

"Pound my knuckles hard against the floor, and my head against the wall, but I did this to myself... Assume it's just not worth getting back up, so I'll blame it on bad luck, and say a hard life did this to me..."

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 21:13:08 GMT

Rediculous amounts of money here.. WHAT THE FUCK... its understandable.. for the most part.. until you see how much these people want... jeeeeez!!!!!!!

A Mescalero Apache family in southern New Mexico has sued the producers of Steven Spielberg's television miniseries, "Into the West," claiming a set stylist cut an 8-year-old girl's hair without regard for tribal customs.

"It's part of our culture not to cut a girl's hair until her Coming of Age ceremony," the girl's father, Danny Ponce, said Friday in a telephone interview. "The only ones allowed to do that are the parents. Nobody asked for permission."

Ponce filed suit in U.S. District Court in Albuquerque on March 6, naming Turner Films Inc. and the unknown stylist as defendants. The lawsuit seeks $250,000 for emotional distress and $75,000 in damages.

A Turner Films spokeswoman said the company doesn't comment on pending litigation.

The lawsuit says Ponce's daughter, Christina, responded through her parents last March to an open casting call for work on the TNT network miniseries, "Into the West," for a three-day shoot near Carrizozo, N.M.

ADVERTISEMENT
The stylist cut the girl's hair, the lawsuit claims, "to make her look more 'Indian' and like a male Indian child because the movie casting call failed to produce sufficient young male extras of Indian heritage."

The Mescalero tradition forbids cutting a girl's hair as she approaches puberty. To prepare for womanhood, Mescalero girls participate in a sacred Coming of Age ceremony that requires their hair to reach the waist.

Before it was cut, Ponce said his daughter's hair fell midway down her back. It has since grown to her collar.

"This has to do with the culture of a tribal member," he said. "It was cut very short above her ears. She looked like a boy."

Gov. Bill Richardson in recent years has increased state efforts to attract the film industry to New Mexico. While Ponce welcomes those initiatives, he suggested filmmakers from outside the state should try to be more culturally sensitive.

"Just because you're wealthy, you don't do something without checking first," Ponce said

grrrr

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 05:23:30 GMT

I really hate those little ad's on the internet... You know, the interactive ones where you can maybe rope a cow, or shoot a duck, or punch someone in the face... Because I always want to do it, but you can only do it once and you are sent to some crazy prize thing... That's really not a prize because you have to sign up for something.. and more than likely pay...Ah, what's the world coming to?

Hurray for people who should be shot!

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 02:04:43 GMT

I had planned on doing some errands, paying some bills, cleaning, and studying today... Good plan right? Right. But as always, I got sidetracked. I did get some bills and such payed off, so that's good, but I still have probably a thousand dollars more to pay... If only money grew on trees eh. Alyssa called me a little upset about some things so I decided to go out there and take her out to lunch.. we ended up just chillin' at her apartment with the cute lil squishy baby and ordering some dominos... damn that was good... Then I headed over to my cousins in Lisbon cause she's home on spring break... Her dad asked me why I had my moms car... Well, um, mines kinda screwed over right now so I'm trying not to drive it unless its absolutely necessary... "What's wrong with it?"... I need 2 new wheel bearings, the brakes might be going and all so, yeah... "Hmm. that shouldn't be happening"... Well, it is, I think it's wal-marts fault though because they were fine up until they changed the tires on it, then it was all messed up... "They did what?".... Changed the tires on it... "Why, it's a 2001! It shouldn't need that!"... Well, it did need it, one of them blew out on me and the rest were ready to go, so it needed it, and then they screwed it up... "Well it shouldnt need any of that"............. Screw you man. You don't drive the car. Just because something says it should go for so many miles or years doesnt mean it at all.. Don't look at me like I'm fucking stupid and don't know what's going on with my car, oh and by the way its a 2000, not 2001... it's 6 years old with 51k miles on it, and now it needs some loving and caring... fuck you man. You may be my uncle but don't look down on me like that and make me feel stupid.... Now that that's off my chest and you probably think I'm a moron too (but you werent there, you dont know!) eh, I guess I'll try to finish doing what I meant to do earlier... clean and study... Later on I think I'm going to make a list of things I want to do before certain points in my life, and maybe I'll post them... so check back...

Stone

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 05:10:55 GMT

When I'm sinking like a stone
how far will you let me fall
before you pull me back to your body
you'll never know until you breathe my breath
what it really means to be alone
when I'm going down
how long will you let me drown
before you put the lid back on the bottle
stay away I leave with the emptiest feeling
I'll never be seeing you again
when I'm breaking all my bones
jumping off of window sills
will you be there to put me back together
when I can not talk
and all the words are caught in my throat
can you hear me still
stay away I leave with the emptiest feeling
I'll never be seeing you again
right about the time I stopped trying
to emulate a god I found out
I'm not tired scream a crash collide
someone died on the road tonight
I hope they're alright
I get my friends for free
although theyre all to good for me
I'm not depressed
just obsessed with myself

my eyes are blue like my spirits

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 07:00:49 GMT

So, it's 1:41 am and this is completely random how it popped into my head and is now flowing through my fingers onto the keyboard. I'm pissed. I am fucking pissed at anything and everything that is addicting. I am addicted. What could I be addicted to? Cigarettes. Drugs. Sex. Well I'm not saying I'm addicted to all that, but they are some big things that anyone could be addicted to.... I am single, single, single, single... I don't mind it, and I am not looking for another boyfriend, I am not looking for any random hook-ups, I am just plain not looking. I really don't care to be attached to something else that is just going to suck the life out of me. Last night, at a party, I don't know how many males tried to hook up with me... not just any males... guys that I've known forever, who I consider practicaly brothers... I am not incest, I will not fuck a brother.. Leave me the hell alone.. You see me having a good time, and try to take advantage of the state of mind I am in.. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. People I know, and trust, and love, and would do anything for... how, fucking, dare you. It pisses me off to no extent.. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe I am changing again.. because I do have my days where I say, hellll yeah "Let's get fucked up and make bad decisions" you know you've heard that come out of my mouth numerous times. I feel like I'm going on a downward spiral, I've tried some things I said I would never ever ever fucking do... and now.. now it's like I'm in love again, not with a human... but with the material world we live in... I don't want to be a material girl, living in this little fucked up world. But I'm doing it, every fucking day. I won't lie, I've had fun, I've had more fun and made more friends and been so happy, eccstatic really, with my life these past couple months than I have been in years. Sure enough you know, I do still miss some things, but I understand this life far more than you probably think I can.. I hate it, I hate understanding things.. You'd think that since I claim to have a bit of knowledge I might actually be doing something with my life... But look at me... almost 19 years old, no school, just working... Yet I'm still living at home and broke as hell because I always neeeed something... I don't need shit. I just want things, and when I want something it becomes a need and I have to have it. I visualize, I make a plan, I get what I fucking want. I don't want to anymore! Someone fucking tell me NO. Someone stop and tell me that I am not really living... Because I'm not. If I think back to all the things I thought I would be when I was this age, I would probably hate myself so much that I would just die right on the spot... I haven't done shit. I know, I am still young, I have so much time and yada yada shut the fuck up!! Please don't tell me I am overreacting, don't fucking tell me I am to young.. What if I only live to be 40, or 30, or 20, what if tomorrow I die in some freak accident... then what am I now.. I am not young... I am old enough to know what the hell to do.. I need to start doing it........ How I got onto this subject I really don't know, I wanted to talk about addictive things and stupid people who just want to have sex, and here I am ranting on... to no one really, but it's ok... because sometimes all you need is a little bit of paper and some ink. There's a few things in my life I need to tweek. But don't worry, I'm not going to 360 on you... I'm just tired and pissed and I am lonely.... So. Fucking. Lonely. But I do NOT want a boyfriend and I do NOT want a friend with benefits, and I do NOT want random hook ups... Tonight, I decided that I need to work on myself before I can be with anyone, because no one should have to deal with my scattered brain. Maybe I'm not as insane as I think I am. But maybe in a few months you'll have to sign papers to visit me. I love my family. I love my friends. and somehow, I think I still like myself... I just need a little work.... this could be me asking for help.. or just crying out to a wall of shame.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 05:11:57 GMT

enjoy this life. youve only got one. unless of course reincarnation is a possibility... but i'd never want to go through this world again... ever...

for your viewing pleasure

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 23:22:30 GMT

A little update.. I am sitting in my sisters apartment in Port Orange FL. near Datona for those of you who don't know... It's BIKE WEEK 2006 out here, so it's loud, and wonderful.. But I'm a little upset because her and Mr. Boyfriend Cop don't really want to go into Datona where all the shits happening because it's "dangerous". I say fuck it, if something happens and we die, that's what the big man upstairs wants to happen. I WILL go there before I leave though, it's my mission.

Rebecca and I met up with her old roommate Christy and went to Pleasure Island in Orlando Saturday night... woo that was fun... It's the big kids part of Disney I guess you could say. pay like 20 bucks to get in and there's a bunch of different clubs... Oddly enough, I met someone from Alex Bay... weird eh? I do have some pretty funny stories about that night... heh.. But, if you want to hear them you'll just have to wait for me to get home.

While packing to come here, I grabbed a notebook just in case I got bored and wanted to write... I found this poem I wrote in it a while ago... Not sure if it's to anyone imparticular... and I bet you think you know who it's about, but you are wrong... I'm not even sure who it's about... but it kinda goes with how I feel about someone anyway... here it is, let me know what you think :)

I never want to hear you say
"You deserve better than me"
You were the spitting image
Of everything wonderful I've ever seen
I never want to hear you say
"Someday you'll find the perfect man"
I suppose I had him once upon a time
But he let go when I reached for his hand

A boy and a girl sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes lust, then comes love
Then comes heartache and loss of trust
The perfect fairytale turned into a film
Where the ending has a strange twist
Boy falls for girl, girl falls for boy
But neither recieves their wish

Now I lay me down to sleep
As the tears race down past my chin
I lie awake for hours on end
And cry as I think of him
You'd never think that the sweetest thing
Could change your life so fast
But I will hold on to these memories
And I will never forget our past

I am in need of a cigarette... so I'm going to walk to the "K" gas station next door... I cannot wait for summer to grace Upstate NY with it's presence...

ooon my wayyy out the door

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 18:08:43 GMT

As soon as I write my last sentence, I am out the door and on my way to Daytona Florida bitchesssss..... Gone for Spring frigging break, though it's still winter? But... it will be FANTABULOUS and wonderful and I cannot wait and I packed so much shit, just in case I decide to stay... because if bec will let me I totally will... LOVE YOU ALL! Have fun without me.. ha ha like you can have fun without the MELISSA around.. pffff.... see you guys next week and such.. there better be some hardcore party people ready... mwahahaha

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 17:08:48 GMT

About to go on a mini vacation....... yessssss....

Babies make me smile!

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 03:35:30 GMT

ALYSSA HAD HER BABY ON THURSDAY!!! Hayden Brave Malloy... I went to visit them last night in Canton, they got lucky and had a cute one :-) He's a big boy too, I can't imagine squeezing one of those outta my lady hole. haha, lady hole... But they are all happy, and healthy, and wonderful. Bill is loving the whole daddy thing, couldn't wait to change a diaper.. and then when he did he got peed on haha.

Hooray for boobies

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 03:18:24 GMT

So I am now the like, go-to-girl... I know everything that's up... Most days... Hallelujah. Maybe I should slow it down a bit.... stay home one of these nights... That's what my bro has been telling me to do anyway.. what a hypocrite... he used to tell me, "Liss! You're 17! Do whatever the hell you want to, you're young!!!" It's only been 2 years since 17, I'm still young, so shut the fuck up. I'm more open at work with co-workers and customers.. not so shy.. They like it... Along with other people.. Pretty much cause I realize now I have nothing holding me back... I never really did.. But now there is nothing, at all, and I AM young and I WILL do whatever the fuck I want. I mean, I'm not being completely stupid about shit.. But I'm not so.... so..... undescribable. Though I still don't let people see the real me... sometimes though, sometimes they get a peek.. I'm such a confused little girl... but at the same time I know I have everything figured out... it's just getting the guts to do some shit.. I just keep using the lack of money as an excuse.. I'm sure I could do anything I wanted with just 10 bucks to my name. Travel the world maybe.

BUT ANYWAY!... I can't fucking wait for florida, march 2nd... not to far away AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!

I'm not living. I'm just killing time.

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 02:02:56 GMT

so this is the first night im actually staying home. im a little pissed with it though. im only here because the roads are shit. i love being anywhere but here. not because i hate here or anything at alllll like that... i just think way to much... i need distractions, for the time being... the other day one of my friends said he saw brent with a girl... which of course is totally fine, he is not mine to claim anymore.. but i have to admit... i have never felt so hurt. honestly.. it sucks... but maybe he's happy now, and that's what he needs... if i think about some shit hard enough, stuff that happened while we were together.. i think i could grow to hate him... but i never will... anyway. whatever. nothing matters anymore with him. talk and hang out and get to know just about everything about someone for a year.. and then boom.. its fucking gone.. no nothing..... and i should just stop talking. doesnt help a fucking thing... apparently, i am not over this boy. but im trying. nothing else i can do.... ive been having fun just hanging out with people lately, made alot of new friends, and life isn't that bad at all... if only i just didnt have to live with myself.. haha.. then... then id be set :/

Oh lord...

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 02:46:35 GMT

So I've had some fun times, some crazy times, some scary times, and some times that have just pissed me the hell off in this past... week or so? I took Becca to get her industrial pierced, it looks pretty dank, looked a lil painfull.. mainly because the chick who did it wasn't quite sure of what she was doing, poor Becca... We decided we wanted to go to Lake Placid... and started going... and we were going to pick up a friend in Harrisville.. But the roads.. DAMN THE ROADS... weren't cooperating, so we just stayed out there and played video games and such.... The next day I found out Bec wasn't suppose to go anywhere, so the cops were searching for us... really wasn't a big deal at all but my family made it into one... It's all cool though. The next day I know I did something crazy, but I don't remember? oh no no no awit yes.. I slept... and the neeexxxt dayyyyy... I... went to a hotel party, that was gayish but fun! but gay... Bec and I kicked just a little ass at BP... and shut the fuck up if you think we cheated, we're way to honest for that shit. I left there somewhat early, got home around 1, watched a movie... a friend called at 2.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! COME OUT!!!! wtf man i'm, sleeping... Ohhhhh as of today I have just a lil bit more experience under my belt... learned how to change a flat tire... yup.... Was on 81 going to the mall this morning... and yeah.. my back left tire completely fucking blew. So as always, I looked to God... aka my cars manual, it has saved me many times... and there were no good samaritans on the road today... instead they were all playing this little game, trying to see who could get closest to me without actually hitting me... bastards... it took me like 15 minutes, shoulda taken like 5... but it was my first time ok! I should have had my tires changed a while ago, and now I am going to have to.. it's going to cost me around 350 to change all 4... then I have my car/insurance payment, and phone bill.. luckily I have some money saved up so I'm not going to be in the hole or broke... but I hate money.... I need more of it so I can get outta this town! ohhh yes speaking of which, there's another thing I have to pay for.. I have an airline ticket to FL... YES!!! I am leaving March 2nd.. but unfortunately I am coming back the 10th... I'll be spring breakin it up with my sis as well as looking at apartments for Danielle and I.. how exciting is that? I suppose that's all the news I can think of for now... LOVE YOU ALL!!!

To dread.. or not to dread...

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 20:55:23 GMT

That is the question! Someday, when I'm at a stable job, that is cool.. I am so dreading my freaking hair... I wish this world was a little more accepting of eccentric kids... not that I am one.. but some things.. mwahahhaa... ahhhh and piercings.. and tattoos... mmmm... I want to get the 41 tattoo done soon, when I have money, and someone to hold my hand lol.... yeee haw! paiiiin....

If you could only see..

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 00:18:34 GMT

so i suck. and im sad. but im happy. life is alright. i just wish... ya know... if perfection was possible, or if it even seemed real enough, i could maybe smile just a little bit more.

thinking bout getting an apartment with Jordan! sweeetnessss... he's a good shit, im sure he'd make a good roommate... seeing how danielle is gay and went back to maryland. GR!

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 02:13:38 GMT

So, I walked into a little get together, and there was a man in his 50-60's smoking and drinking with all these kids... He stared at me for about a minute or so, and said.. "You look interesting"

Lovely

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 01:23:26 GMT

"I'm not living, I'm just killing time"

Yes, I do believe Radiohead said it best.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 01:36:17 GMT

Last night, was almost amazing. Rebecca and I kkkkkkillled at beer pong... un-fucking-defeated. That's right, stick that in your pipe and smoke it! I was trashed. Then we all got kicked out for some unknown reason. I couldn't drive so some other chick I don't really know did, how nice. We ended up at the trailer park... yeah... the trailer park... I stayed in the car. aaand then we left, and came back to a party in Hammond, which was alright. A couple of friends and I ended up going to Donut King to eat at like 4 or 5 in the morning, oooh it hit the spot, dead on. Went back to the party where everyone was passed out... all the freaking couches were taken so I slept on a wood floor with a tiny blanket... needless to say, I was cold and very uncomfortable. Woke up around noon, and went to work. The place where no one likes to do shit except for me... So as tired as I was, I had to work my ass off for... well, only 6 hours thankfully... but it was a llllooonnnggg 6 hours. Tomorrow I am working 7am-7pm... This is going to suck balls. But it will make me love my paycheck! ooooh and there's something I need to quickly rant about... fucking min. wage going up and I don't even really get a raise! So here's the deal, I was making 6.50 an hour, min wage went up to 6.75, mmmmeaning, I should now be making 7.25.... but I'm not because the store doesn't make enough money, and now the new people who know half the shit I know are making the same amount as me... GAY GAY GAY! I should get like 10 dollars an hour with the way i work compared to them... but ahhh... life's not fair.

as far as i'm concerned, i'm not concerned.

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 18:54:33 GMT

So I suck at life.

But the past few days have been really.... interesting? I've done some crazy shit... not neccesarily crazy, but things normal kids do that I haven't done in years... a.k.a partied quite a bit. That's what I plan on doing every frigging day until I just can't take it anymore.. Sounds like a pretty sweet plan eh? Not really, but it keeps my mind off of other things and helps me to not be a hermit.

In oooother news.... I'm going to Maryland in like a week or so to take a friend to her brothers, as long as I can find someone to work a few days for me... Rob might go down too, which would be fantastic because I don't want to drive back alone, I will, but I've done it before and it's kinda boring.

In ooooother news.... I'm going down to Florida at some point in time, don't know when, don't know how, but I AM going. Anyone else want to hop on a plane with me?

Oh OH OHHHHHHHHHH and some of my friends are going on like a Rt. 2 road trip, I think it's that rt anyway, so I'm totally down for that...

yeah, i just want to fucking travel, if you haven't guessed. I'm thinking I should just buy an RV, like one of those old silver ones, how sweet would that be? AMAZING.

But I'll probably just end up in an apartment with Danielle, and maybe even her roommate from school, Katie. We all hung out a few days this week and she's a pretty cool chill girl. I think I could handle that.

I'm so excited and scared and cccccrazy in my head these days.. So many fucking ideas, what to do what to do!!! I'll figure it out eventually...

aaaand i still miss brent to death.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:04:59 GMT

ive been fucked up the last 5 nights.

now im joining the peace corps.

actually just looking into it......... but it would be neat.